Alpha Butterfly Spirit Comments

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Alpha Butterfly Spirit Comments 

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(Alpha Butterfly Spirit asked me to post her comments for her.  It is too long for the comment section and I believe it is most helpful to post here in it's entirety)  I am also proud to announce that shortly after her healing journey was posted, she was offered an Inspiration Award which I included below her post.  To find out more about the award you can click on the "Inspiration icon" with your cursor.  Congratulations to You, Alpha Butterfly Spirit in receiving this Award!

"My Past, Present and Future"

7/18/10

I never realized how strong and protective one's mind could be for survival and self preservation.  It has taken me many years to understand that my unusual behavior as an adult was directly related to my disrupted childhood.   I went to several counselors in my early adult life.  Each one diagnosed me with an acute mild depression, placing me on medication combined with counseling.  Each counselor stated my problems were contributed to my conservative upbringing and medical health issues that had effected me mentally.

Eventually I would learn it was my faith and my baptism that carried me through my early life's turmoil.  I have ny parents to thank for my strong moral values.  They never knew what happened to me and I will never tell them.

I was molested, traumatized, and threatened by a sadistic pedophile when I was a young child.  He was a neighbor and I went to stay with him and often played with his son.  Supposedly his wife was watching me as the care giver, but he and she as well as others were involved in the traumatic episodes that quickly followed.   He threatened me into silence and I was fearful for my life. By the Grace of God we moved after a year to a new home that took me away from this horrid scene.  My mind blocked the past as a defense mechanism.

After the move, I had no realization of what happened until it was discovered through my relationship with my husband, my children, and co-workers over a period of decades later.   Most of the time, I would just stumble along through life.  Periodically, I would reach a point where I would need to see a therapist who would put me on medication, and give me short term counseling for up to a year.  I would not allow my husband to get close to me.  My husband now tells me he always suspected my strict moral upbringing, and/or suspected  abuse, caused my problems.

I managed to accept my periodic intimacy through most of the years of our marriage until my husband suggested we go on a trip for our 30th anniversary.  I knew then that I did not want to be this close to him physically or mentally.  With the kids around in our younger years, I somehow felt protected from a true commitment. We stayed together because of our  moral and christian values and we loved each other.   Soon, I would not have my children in the home picture because they were becoming young adults and would be going off to college.  This became a crucial point in my relationship with my husband and me.  He felt rejected, and I was falling apart in the worst way.

A christian counselor saw the situation as being destructive for us both.  This counselor and my husband  manipulated me into what I thought would be marriage counseling. I was going to be tested once again by a highly recommended psychologist. My mind told me to blow this off.  However, I was feeling so badly that I decided to go through with it.  I was not embarrassed to go for testing, since my husband agreed to being assessed as well. My MMPI test was basically normal, however my interview with the experienced psychologist is what tipped everyone off to my problems. The doctor realized I was desperately trying to hide something at our initial meeting.  He explained that the testing results indicated that "your type of raising, and (forced) participation, or what happened to you in the basement during that time, seems to have deeply effected your life today."  I could not believe this or understand it. I have been through counseling before and this possibility was never determined.  My former counseling may have helped me temporarily, but apparently never uncovered or resolved any of my issues.

After going back to the referring (Christian) counselor, he stated, "I am recommending that you go to this particular psychologist, for if anyone can make this right, he can."  So with that recommendation, I began my long journey into the past with this new gifted, and older psychologist.  He told me that I would be able to recall the traumatic memories and he would help me to overcome the pain and integrate these incidents into my life.   I never really believed him at that time.  I did not have any memory then beyond the a vague touching between me and another child in a basement of a house.  Eventually, bit by bit, the repressed memories arose and the pain that that was associated with them at the time accompanied them.

I began to live in three different worlds: the repressed memories, my present life, and one of disbelief.   I began to understand why all these many years, I had periods in which I would feel desperate with underlying anxiety for no apparent reason.  I had to stay busy at work, entertaining my children, traveling with family, and eventually going to the gym.  I could not stop and think.  I would talk incessantly and focus on being the life at all the family functions and parties.  I was protecting my identity by being popular with everyone. I could not let them know or decipher me.   I did not even know myself.  I would chatter endlessly about my children and husband rather than have the focus on me.

As counseling continued, the traumatic memories kept rising to the surface of my mind. With each session,  I would tackle the situation in the safety of my psychologist's office and care. It was, and still is like complex pieces being fit together, or a puzzle being solved.  Although stressful at the time, I found that I was becoming more comfortable and at ease with others as I worked through each memory.

I would never have made it through life without the blessings and support of my family and trusted friends.  As time moved on, I learned who I could confide in.  If someone was offended or non-believing, then they became an acquaintance and I would move on.  I learned to speak openly with only trusted individuals.  I no longer babble. I think before I speak, and pass by people who I do not like. I do not need or want them in my environment.

It is a miracle that I found my husband. He was meant for me and I am glad I pursued him in college.  Such a quiet moral and patient man was placed in my path. My sisters have said  "he is your soul-mate and an angel."  I respect my psychologist and it is a blessing I was referred to him. I hate to admit it at times, but I look forward to his help.  I think I was lead to his care. My psychologist, who keeps a selective limited practice, told me he chose to treat me. I believe someone else had His Hand in it also.

Believe me, the therapy is a long and tedious process.  But I no longer feel I have to placate everyone, back off ,or break down through most conflicting arguments.  My life is becoming a little more tolerable. Some fears have gone away. Many more continue to surface, so I continue to go for assistance.

My suggestion for anyone with the same possibility would be, "Find a therapist through a trusted friend or by a recommended referral.Do not be put into any uncompromising position.  You are an adult now. You are a survivor. Realize this is a long process. Remember the most difficult part of therapy is the integration of the past into your present life.  Your symptoms may go away.  You must continue on with therapy each week.  There are days I go and then want to quit."  My husband encourages me to go a few more sessions and wait, so I trudge on.  He says it is "like an investment in a new car".

I am finally understanding why I acted the way I did;  the feelings of abandonment, of desperation, the urge and need to always be busy, the anxiety, my inability to handle new situations, hatred of myself, and of course my low self esteem.  I now understand why I have difficulties with violence, animals dying, and relating to people.  Many times I was easily manipulated, flustered or upset.  I was often triggered into crying when I lost control, or thought that I was being criticized or challenged.

I thank the Lord for my sisters, my best friends, my husband and the gracious and brilliant counselor who now meets with me each week and supports me even outside of the scheduled sessions when warranted.  I now only need to take medication during emergencies.  I have not been able to take it daily, because for some reason it interferes with my memories, and I need to be able to recall to help me heal. I will continue to struggle on to put my life back together.  I want to know all the details so I can understand my past, and move on with my future in a positive way.  I know that I am a child of God and a Survivor.

Alpha Butterfly Spirit,
In the middle of a life journey that takes time.